Our69Cents

First edition, June 1st 2022.

“I only have 69 cents, you know what means? I don’t have enough for chicken nuggets!”

Serial Conspiracies: You think the Tin foil hat people say the wildest things, I think it’s the Mormons, let me blow both of our minds. – Article by Cerebrum Mortuum.

McDonalds: Is it really chicken?

McDonalds has been an American favorite for the last few decades and shows no signs of a decline in popularity. I remember that, as a kid, I would ask for McDonalds on the way home. The food and playroom have always been a highlight in my childhood memories and I didn’t understand why if I was told no. As I get older and start understanding the concept of money, it makes more sense; even though it tastes good, we couldn’t afford it and junk food like that is very unhealthy. By the time we get our food we don’t know what has touched it. Despite that though, we trust our restaurants and servers blindly because of the simple matter of it tasting good. For that same reason, a few of us have tried to make their recipe at home. I’ve tried many recipes and while they were good, they weren’t perfect. so, what if it’s not my seasoning? The meat has always tasted different.

We’ve all heard the theories of McDonalds using artificial meat instead of chicken. Plant based artificial meat would make the most sense. It’s the healthier, vegan friendly choice, But you don’t know for sure that it’s plant based. For all we know, there is an underground black market company selling artificial chicken that’s actually made out of human remains. For all we know, this is the new disposal of bodies; and McDonald could be buying it to feed us. While it’s a stretch, there is no way to know for sure, so that question may always haunt your mind. Is it really chicken?

~Brought to you by Cerebrum Mortuum.

Brains be wild- intrusive thoughts? Trauma? Migraines? Strange brain giggles are weird. Proceed if you want. – Brain Hickeys with Inuniku.

What causes intrusive thoughts? I always viewed mine as mini day nightmares. I wouldn’t exactly call murdering people out of boredom a daydream but I guess that depends on the person. I’m convinced it’s cereal. I don’t mean eating cereal, I mean the commercial where they sing songs and slide down rainbows. Those things scar people, just like cupboards, cupboards are our enemies and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Anyway, changing gears now, do you humans have a mating call?

Think about it, almost every other animal has a display of hey, let’s fuck. So what is ours? “Hey girl nice ass.” If that’s your bed pickup line you’re breaking my spinal cord. In all honesty I would guess it’s singing. So how is it terrible singers still get it in the hole? How come they say the ace is in the hole when more than likely the only hole they are in is in the ground?

I mean the hole as in a underground fort you sadistic fuck. in the animal kingdom, there is a bird with big blue feet, the bluer the feet the more likely to mate. I know humans have something like that, I’ve heard Cis men complain often about blue balls and when I told them to go to the doctor they got mad. Cis men don’t like doctors apparently.

Blah blah blah. Ask Malx, and your quote of the day. Questions get answered, Like buttery socks on ice, brought to you by – Malx Hz

Quote: “Depends on where the body is and if i put it there”

          Question: What’s your guyses favorite and least favorite colors?

          Starting with a basic question, sorry for that, but hey, you get to know more about the group, huh. Little tidbits about the members are always fun.

          Starting off, let’s go with Vorhaut, which has the favorite color Royal Purple, (Expected for Mr. Foreskin, gotta be fancy) Inunikus being Silver, and Haviks being Forest green, Cerebrums is also green like Havik, and lastly, mine, being muted blue. All pretty nice if I say so myself. 

         Now moving onto least favorite colours, Vorhaut responded to this question with, and I quote, “Least favorite, I’m no racist.” I wasn’t meaning it as a racist joke, I swear Vorhaut. But their actual least favorite is pastel yellow, which  they gave to me hours later, smh, that human.

          Inuniku has a normal least favorite color, matt brown, same as Cerebrums, as well as Haviks being pink , the brighter the worse the pink is.

           Mine is- Orange, like- bright orange, it’s a subpar color and you can’t deny it. (Unless it’s on Naruto) Might be a little controversial, but a color that’s going to be used for a prison uniform and nothing productive or nice, besides a sunset/rise maybe, MAYBE, which only happens twice a day in most places, is pretty lame to me. I’d rather sew wings onto someone then look at the color orange too long.

Queer for thought- My opinions on Queer events/ideas may not be interesting, but you’re sure gunna hear about em’ -Queer Beer with Havik Tande.

The gays have made a new achievement in public television with the new comic-made-TV-adaptation, Heartstopper. Which has led many people to a new realization of “I Might Be Gay” (Or Bi, much like our very own Nick Nelson.) Not only am I sorry and personally apologizing for these people’s internet providers seeing pop ups of one too many BuzzFeed quizzes on sexual attraction, I’m sorry for those dark holes they’re probably going down wondering – just how do gays do the do, or maybe even some of the many articles that our very own 69Cent Author, Vorhaut has seen in a little too much detail. (Because we pray to whatever God you believe in that no one has seen the things they have.)

At first everyone thinks they’re straight. They may learn about their impending gayness at an early age or when they search up just the wrong thing or form a very depressing crush on their same sex best friend that just so happens to actually be a  straight person (que the fanfic tropes). But then there’s also people who figure out this way- by being an adult who is seemingly normal turning on a seemingly normal queer television series recommended to them, only to begin to relate. 

Because honestly, at first the majority of us thought we were straight. But then Heartstopper came out (We’re all done for, aren’t we?). 

And I just have to say, quoting the show, the fact that Nick realized over something as small as watching Pirates of the Caribbean and finding a man just as hot as the woman, really is a tell that Bisexuality is a spectrum.

Sex from a Virgin– You probably know more about sex than I do. But I’m going to pretend I know more than you. Brought to you by Vorhaut.

      You ever wonder what the difference is between a kink and a fetish? I know I have. So I took the liberty of finding out, lucky for you. You don’t have to go down that rabbit hole like I did. So I have an analogy for you! A kink is like a condom or lube, you don’t need it but it’s very useful for different things. A fetish is like baby makin’. If you want to get it done, there’s only one hole, one way. There’s no other way to make the devil spawn other than, raw, vaginal sex. If you didn’t catch that. Let me put it in a way that even a toddler would understand. Although I pray to God that a toddler isn’t reading this. A kink is optional to getting turned on. A fetish is required, it’s needed. Now, I’ll leave you to think about people with feet fetishes. If you are dating one and don’t like feet, well either break up or suck it up (not their toes) because there’s no way around it.